


Captain Ass

by BeesKnees



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: BSAA Parody Porn, Background mention of Jill Valentine, Background mention of Piers Nivans, Claire is a troll, Crack, M/M, Porn Video, Porn Watching, Uniform Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24732793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeesKnees/pseuds/BeesKnees
Summary: Leon is just trying to enjoy his breakfast when Claire sends him BSAA parody porn.
Relationships: Leon S. Kennedy/Chris Redfield
Comments: 22
Kudos: 129





	Captain Ass

Leon spits his orange juice out all over the kitchen table. 

It's not his fault. It's Claire's fault. The only sin he's guilty of this particular morning is trusting his long-term best friend and, technically, sister-in-law. 

She'd sent him a link and he'd opened it on his phone without thinking about it – in retrospect, she sent it this morning because she knew that both Chris and Leon were home and together. 

Leon had been sleepy when he first opened the video, and, at first, it looked like any number of hundreds that Leon has seen in his career: the wreckage of a mostly destroyed city, a BSAA soldier running through those ruins with a civilian in his arms. 

It's only after a proper close-up that Leon realizes this isn't normal footage. The woman in the soldier's arms is in some very deliberately shredded clothing, makeup still done perfectly with only a touch of aesthetically pleasing tear tracks. 

The soldier eventually stops running and sets her down on her feet, which are, naturally, clad in some very high heels. She immediately presses herself up against the soldier's impressively broad chest. 

“Oh, captain,” she breathes. “However can I repay you?”

And that's when Leon gets a good look at the logo he had assumed to be the BSAA at first glance: it's a mimicry, the letters rearranged to just say “ASS.”

“Don't worry, ma'am,” the soldier answers. “I was just doing my job.”

Claire has sent him a follow-up text that is just a winky face. 

Back on the video, the soldier has the civilian pressed up against some rubble. He finishes ripping her shirt with his hands, massaging at one breast while she starts to moan.

“Are you watching _porn_?”

Leon looks up sharply to see Chris standing in front of the table, holding two plates of eggs and looking nonplussed.

Leon does not know how to answer this. 

He's a secret agent. He's been trained to withstand torture. He has to be fast on his feet at all times to survive the things he survives. 

And, somehow, he can't find a way to explain that he's watching BSAA parody porn that was sent by Chris' little sister. Mutely, he hands over his phone.

Thank God Chris puts down the plates before taking the phone, because he immediately chokes on just air. He makes some kind of garbled noise, clearly trying to ask Leon a question without getting out a single word. On the phone, the woman's moans grow louder.

There's a good 30 seconds where neither Leon or Chris manage to say anything to one another and, for some reason, Chris ends up just continuing to watch the scene playing out on the screen. He suddenly squints a little.

“Does that say 'ass?'” he asks, confused. He finally looks back up at Leon. “I don't … get it?” 

Leon isn't really sure what there is to get about this scenario. 

“It's, you know,” Leon says, gesturing with one hand. “I guess kind of like a first responder thing? Like how people are into firefighters? Hot people in uniforms that make you feel safe?” Chris is still staring blankly at him, and Leon wonders how Chris Redfield has gotten this far in life without understanding the appeal of a uniform kink.

“And you're into this?” Chris hedges. “You want me to fuck you in my BSAA gear? Because you like the idea of being … rescued?”

“I'm sorry,” Leon answers dryly. “How many times, exactly, have you rescued me?” He pauses, feeling like he's finally gotten his footing now that he's been able to make a sarcastic comment. “Fuck, no, Claire sent it because the guy is modeled after you.”

Chris looks back down at the video as if that hasn't occurred to him. He frowns.

“No, he's not,” Chris argues. 

“Chris,” Leon says flatly. “Are you kidding me?” He doesn't even know where to begin: that Chris is one of the most public faces of the BSAA and has the _look_ of everything anyone could want in someone coming to be a hero. 

Chris looks back down at the screen, still frowning, as the woman wails through an orgasm and the man grunts and comes at the same time. Leon has never seen anyone look so analytically at porn before. This is not how he thought he'd be spending his Sunday morning. 

Before Chris can come to a determination, the video ends and the next thing in the queue begins to play.

“Oh,” Chris says lightly. 

“What?” Leon asks warily. 

Chris passes the phone back over. The “Captain Ass” video has been replaced by one labeled “Commander Tits.” In it, a stern-looking woman in uniform is chewing out two rookies. The woman is obviously based on Jill Valentine.

“Oh,” Leon repeats. He doesn't say this out loud to his husband because he's afraid to break Chris further, but he suspects Commander Tits is the reason that Claire had found this particular porn series in the first place. 

In the background, Chris is discussing the rank inaccuracies and Leon is ignoring him until Chris makes some comment about one rank being beneath the other. Leon just so happens to be scrolling through the other “BSAA” videos.

“It does look like Captain Ass is under Commander Tits quite a bit,” Leon snarks, pausing at a thumbnail of the captain getting pegged by the commander. 

“Stop that,” Chris complains. He yanks the phone away from Leon again. “So where's the vide of Agent Legs or whatever?” He scrolls and seems dissatisfied when he can't find the equivalent of a porn parody of Leon. 

Leon smirks.

“Secret agent, baby,” Leon teases. 

“Secret agent my ass,” Chris gripes. “Anyone paying attention would see you're always on the scene of BOW disasters.”

“No uniform,” Leon adds, sliding his breakfast across the table to eat now that he's recovered. 

“Oh,” Chris says again abruptly. He walks over to Leon and shows him what he's unearthed. Apparently, the newest addition to the team is Lieutenant Thighs. Chris opens a video where the commander is paddling the captain and the lieutenant over her desk.

“That's supposed to be--?”

“Piers?” Leons asks, unable to hold back his amusement. “Yeah.” 

Chris pauses, continuing to watch, and then smirks.

“Send that to him,” Chris says.

“I am _not_ sending porn to your _boy_ ,” Leon says indignantly. “Do it yourself, creep.” 

Chris huffs a breath and then says, “I'll have Claire do it.”

That decision made, they both sit and watch the clip for a few seconds longer. Captain Ass turns from his spanking, sporting a massive erection.

“Well,” Leon says. “At least that's accurate.” Chris chokes again.

“And, on second thought,” Leon says. “You can definitely fuck me in some of your BSAA gear.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> \-- Short comments  
> \-- Long comments  
> \-- Questions  
> \-- “<3” as extra kudos  
> \-- Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> shout at me on [tumblr](https://kneesofthebee.tumblr.com/)


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